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Book-I&-<^'5 LG 



^u):ner's UStamatfc 3l(!)rat^. 

THE ,_, 

LOTTERY TICKET. 

*'and 
LAWYER'S CLERK J 

A FARCE. 

IN 

CORRECTLY PRINTED FROM THE MOST APPROVED 
ACTING COPY 

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NEW YORK AND PHILADELPHIA. 






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THE 

LOTTERY TICKET. 



ACT I. 



SCENE l.—A Village. Mr. Capta«, the Lawyer's office, 
on one side ; Mrs. CoRSi-r, the Milliner and SUiy maker, 
on the other ; Doors and Windows practicable. Worm- 
wood is seen wrtuig at the Window, 

Enter Capias, /row house, r. 

Cap. Ah I there they are, a parcel of discontented mor- 
tals; all of them cornplaininir of their losses; now, for 
my part, J am quite astonished that people carmot make 
themselves s«atisfied with their situation in life: if they 
were plagued like me indeed, f)r who the devil woul«J be a 
lawyer, unless it be the devil himself {Looks at hir. p cket 
book.) The nineteenth of October, 1826. My diary is 
right; yesterday', the eiuhleenth, was the auspicious day, 
on which the fifth — la-<t, last lottery, that evt r was or i ver 
will be, was to be drawn — and I have a ticket, should it 
come up a prize I perhaps at this moment I am a made, 
made man ; if so, I'll fend law where it ca.Tie from— to 
the devil ; — S(4 up a h«»use in 1 ondf)n; choose a Mrs. Capias, 
and become a man of pleasure. A wife, no, no, I'll take 
my full swing fist, and tie mvself after \ ards. Susan, 
Susan, i say. Susan; — what a thing it is to have idle ser- 
vants. * 

Enter Susan, from Capias' house, r. 

Susan. Here, sir I here, sir ! 

Cop. Here, sir; you're never here; when I want you, 
you're there ; and when you should be there, you're here ; 
un't you a maid of all work ? and isn't it a maid of all- 



% LOTTERY TICKET. 

works's place to be in all places at once — here, there, and 
tvery where ? 

Susan* Yes sir. 

Cup, And yet — here 'tis eight o'clock, and nothing 
don' . 

Susan, Why bless me, sir, I've scoured the passage, 
swept the drawing-room, dusted the parlour, lighted four 
fires, cltaned the clerk's office, boiled the eggs, mixed the 
coffee, buttered the toast, and made all the beds in the 
housp. 

Cup, Well, then, now run with this letter to old Dob- 
bins ; tell him to mount his mare, and ride to Manchester 
directly, to the post < ffice there, and ntver stop until he 
brings n)e a letter he'll find there, directed to me^run, I 
say. 

Susan^ T will, sir — directly, sir — who would be a maid 
of all- work ? [Exit, l. 

Cap. Mr. Hazard's head clerk has promised to write the 
rrjoment the drawing is ov^r; that will brin^ me tlie earli- 
est intellijrence of the lucky numbers; and if mine should 
be one of them ! But I musn't neglect business. I say, 
Mr. Wormwood, what are you about. 

Worm, (At Window^ R.) Here, sir! only taking the air. 

Cap. Taking the air? do you think I pay you for tak- 
ing the air ? or that I have made you my head clerk to be 
idle ? 

Worm, Head clerk ! head and tail clerk, too I first, 
second, and third clerk, all is one. 

Cap. Well mind all those writs are issued, and see the 
processes regularly served, and that old Snatch'em makes 
the captures. [Exit, r. 

Worm. Never fear me. sir. [Exit, r. 

Cap, There never was a fellow, who took such delight in 
arresting people, as that little hunchbick ; a gapture is as 
good as play to him ; he*d rather issue a special original 
than eat his breakfast, and would walk ten miles any day 
to see a bailiff do his duty ; 1 hate the very sight of him, 
and if I could muster enough money to pay him his salary. 
I'd discharge him. But, curse the fellow, I'm in arrears, 
and he knows I can't pay him. Ha! ha! ha! Mrs. 



LOTTERY TICKET, 7 

Corset, at her work ; I declare the stays look quite tempting 
in the window ; upon my word Mrs. Corset is a very pretty 
woman, still ; and they do say, that amid her furbelows and 
flounces, she has not forgotten her pockets; near thirty, 
but no matter — the more experience — an experienced mil- 
liner — hem ! don't know as I should like that though. 

Enter Mrs. Corset, from shop, l. 

Mrs. Cor. (^Aside,) My neighbour, Mr. Capias, seems 
watching me. I think I'll take this opportunity of speak- 
ing to him. 

Cap. Hem ! good day, my pretty Mrs. Corset. 

Mrs. Cor. Good morning, my good Mr. Capias. 
' Cap. A fine morning, mild and sunshiny — just the day 
for showing off your art of dress-making to advantage ; no 
need to put the drapery out of fold by making the ladies 
twist their petticoats round them- — no wind to discompose 
flounces — hem ! 

Mrs. Cor. Why, Mr, Capias, you seem to understand our 
art. 

Cap. Yes, I am a lawyer — a master of arts. 

Mrs, Cor. I've long wanted to speak to you about your 
clerk, Mr. Wormwood ; he really never lets any body in the 
village alone ; can't make a petticoat, or a pair of stays, 
that he doesn't know every stitch of them. 

Cap. He's as great a plague to me, I assure you, though a 
necessary one ; I dream of the fellow, he sits upon my 
stomach like a night-mare, his cursed hunchback is mixed 
up with everything ; if I cut up a pidgeon pie, I expect to 
see him pop out of it. 

Mrs, Cor, But, why don't you get rid of him. 

Cap. Did you ever get a burr on your clothes ? did you 
ever pop your hand into a pot of pitch ? or where you ever 
tarred and feathered ? This fellow, Mrs. Corset, sticks to 
me like any of these things. 

Mrs. Cor. He's really a common nuisance ; he; never lets 
any body agree, but sets every body together by the ears. 

Cap, Why, you see, Mrs. Corset, a mischief-maker, to a 
lawyer, is what mud is to a milliner ; it creates the necessity 
for new suits. {Aside.) I'll come straight to the point— -But, 
I say, Mrs. Corset, never mind little hunchback, let me leave 
that alone, and think on affairs of the heart. 
B. 



8 



LOTTERY TICKET. 



Mrs. Cor. Of the heart ? 

Cap, Yes, the best pair of stays, you can make, can't 
defend that, from the attacks of Cupid ; the moment he 
issues process, the defendant puts in a good appearance ; the 
plaintiff files a declaration; trial comes on; judgment is 
entered up ; {Putting his arm round her waist,) and the de- 
fendant is taken in execution. 

Mrs. Cor, Ah I Mr. Capias, you men are gay deceivers 
— but I want to consult you about my affairs. 

Cap, Always ready for business. — Love gives way to law* 
(Aside.) I had better get a little insight ipito her affairs, 
bifore I commit myself. Take my arm, my dear Mrs, 
Corset, and we will adjourn to my office. There is, ma'am, 
no place so good to settle people's affairs as a lawyer's ufiice. 
There, ma'am, I'll do anything for you, from a ceitificate of 
your birth to your last will and testament. 

BIrs, Cor, 01 but I've a will of my own making. 

Cap, (Aside,) A will of her own ; hem ! then, perhaps, 
we may draw up articles of partnership for life ; and then, 
perhaps, we may neither of us have wills of our own. 

[Ex€unt,into Capias' house, r. 

Worm, {At window,) Yes, there they are, the milliner 
and the lawyer — Love and Law — vanity and vice — how 
lovingly they're comihg this way. I don't like that, well, 
they won't agree long, that's one comfort, however. But, I 
must to business. {Takes up ihe papers,) Ha ! ha ! here 
they are, Capiasses, Redtails, and Writs, all the great ills of 
life, illustrated by these strips of parchment. That, now, 
contains the ruin of a family ; the skin of an innocent Iamb 
put to a fine purpose; halha! a true wolf in sheep's 
clothing is this bit of parchment. One certainly see's some- 
thing of life in a lawyer's office ; well, well, 'lis true I*m 
but a lawyer's clerk, but many is the brave soldier who has 
fled at the sight of me ;'I have but to yield one of these 
long strips of parchment, and those who have stood the brunt 
of a cannon-ball, and the blow of a sabre, turn pale, and 
then tail ; ha I ha ! there is no profession without its 
pleasures. If my lottery ticket, now, to-day would come up 
a prize, I'd bid adieu to Mr. Capias, set up lawyer, ^nd 
plague mankind on my own account. 



LOTTERY TICKET. 3 

Enter Capias and Mrs. GoR8ET,/rom Capias* house, r. 

Hem ! here they come, billing and cooing, like a duck and 
a gander. 

Cap, Why my dear Mrs. Corset, according to this state- 
ment, you mast be well to do in the world. 

Mrs. Cor» Yes, being the only dress-maker in this plaee, 
and having been educated at Madam Cantelo's in Bond- 
street_, and travelled to Paris for fashions, every body em- 
ploys me. 

Worm. The milliner ogles the lawyer, and the lawyer 
has one eye on the milliner's face, and the other in her 
pocket. 

Mrs. Cor. So that I've really a very pretty sum on my 
books. 

Cap. Pray let me order you a httle refreshment, a little 
coiFee. 

Worm. Calls his roasted corn, coffee ! 

Mrs. Cor. No, thank you, Mr. Capias, but you must be 
doing pretty well too, I always see Mr, Wormwood em- 
ployed. 

Cap. O dear I yes, six and eight-pences, thirteen and 
four-pcnces are not scarce, what with the length of chan- 
cery-suits, and summary processes of the common law, 
together with my conveyancing. 

Mrs. Cor. Conveyancing, what is that ? 

Cap. Why the art of conveying our client's money 
from their pockets into ours — but money, money ! Mrs. 
Corset, money is not happiness, is it Mrs. Corset ? 

[ 7'enderly. 

Mrs. Cor. Oh, certainly not. 

Cap. Did you ever think of marrying again, Mrs. 
Corset. 

Mrs. Cor. Oh, the men are so deceitful ;--to be sure, 
there are some exceptions, the late Mr. C. for instance. 

Cap. Ay, and the present Mr. C, for instance ; your 
humble servant to command. 

Worm. The devil ! — there'll be two people of one mind 
in a minute, if I don't put a spoke in their wheel. {Aside.) 
Cap. Mrs. Corset ; for such very near neighbours, I 
have seen Tery little of you, of late. 



10 LOTTERY TICKET 

Worjn, (Aside.) Wants to see a little more of her 

Mrs» Cor, Ah I Mr. Capias, you have a flattering 
tongue. 

Cap. No, I hav'n't, and if you would allow me to place 
my suit 

Worm, (Aloud.) In the court of common pleas. 

Cap. I say that I was thinking, that, with ray suit and 
yours, if we were to put them together, we might make — 

Worm. (Aloud.) A writ of error. — 

Cap. Hem 1 I mean, that, together, we might contrive 
. to get into 

Worm. (Aloud.) The king's bench. 

Cap. (Aside.) Curse that fellow, how loud he works. 
You see, if I did not venture to propose, you would not 
call on me. 

Worm. (Coming between them.) A special original did 
you say ? O, I beg pardon. 

Mrs. Cor. (Aside.) Impertinent interruption I 

Cap. (Aside,) The devil take him for interrupting, just 
at the critical moment 1 

Worm. What, you were talking about the lottery, I sup- 
pose. 

Cap. Hem ! (Aside.) Marriage is, indeed, a lottery. 

W^orm. And wondering whether you should get a prize 
or a blank ; it's all decided now. 

Cap. Well, I know that without your telling me. 

Worm. It has set all ihe place mad, for there is scarcely 
one that has not an eighth, or a sixteenth ; and I know 
every number that is sold in the village, 

Mrs. Cor. That you don't, for you don't know mine. 

Worm. You, why you didn't buy one. 

Mrs. Cor. But I've got one though. Mr. Impudence, 
and if I didn't buy it, I'll sell it to any one that likes. 

Worm. That's right, sell, Mrs. Mercenary. 

Mrs. Cor. Sell! and isn't it my trade, Mr. Impertinence? 

Cap. Mr. Wormwood I Mr. Wormwood ! I'm as- 
tonished, don't you know this is Mrs. Corset ? 

Worm. Yes, milliner, stay-maker, dress-maker ; con- 
noisseur in flounces, furbelows, and flummery. I know 
hei— every body knows her. 



LOTPERY TICKET. 11 

Enter Susan, l. 

Susan, I've been to old Dobbins, sir ; seen him mount 
his mare, and set off full trot. 

Cap. {Aside.) Then I shall soon know the number of 
the prizes. 

Worm. Hem ! hem! Susan, there, she has got a ticket 
in this last lottery. 

Cap. How ! Susan, do you spend your money thus ? 

Susan, No, sir ! my godmother gave me the ticket, as 
Mr. Wormwood knows. 

Worm. I — I know nothing — but — 

Susan, But what? 

Worm, Why, that godmother is very convenient to give 
names to other people, that's all. 

Susan, You had better keep a civil tongue in your head- 
I'm sure, if I had my choice, I would have had a gown, a 
cap, or a necklace ; something more useful than a cheating 
lottery ticket. 

Cap. Coquet ! You had better pay Mrs. Corset, what 
you owe her, instead of talking of more gowns and caps. 

Susan. O, Mrs. Corset never let me rest, till I had satis- 
fied her — ask her if she did. 

liirs. Cor. O yes, Susan has settled her debts. 

Susan. (Aside to IMrs. CorsetO Hush don't tell them, 
I wouldn't have them know for all the world ; — {Aloud,^ 
As to the lottery ticket, I care so little about it, that I don't 
know where it is — don't know the day of drawing — and 
have even forgotten the number. 

Worm. Ha ! ha ! if you had got a prize, you'd find your 
memory fast enough, I warrant me. But I've got a list of 
every body that has purchased tickets in the village, and 
there'll be plenty of long faces before the day is out ; that's 
some comfcirt. [Retires up, 

Mrs. Cor. Well, Mr. Capias, good morning. 

Cap. {To Mrs. Corset, tenderly.) But, I say, Mrs. Cor- 
set, another time, we may renew the interesting subject of 
our conversation. 

[Susan and Wormwood, up, making love. 

Mrs, Cor. Whenever you please. {Aside.) He wouldn't 
be a bad match for a milliner. [Exit^ in shop, l. 

Cap, Hem ! a pretty good match for a lawyer, and that's 



12 LOTTERY TICKET. 

something ; charming, upon honour, I feel quite up about 
it— my spirits are at premium, and if I mi^ht believe a 
presentiment, I shall get a prize. Wormwood, to your 
papers, Susan, to your work; — you are always idling away 
your time ; 'tis quite a shame, considering your high 
wages. [Exit, in house, R. 

Susan, (r.) Five pounds a year for doing every thing in 
the world, and being scolded from morning to night by 
every body. 

Worm. Nay, nay, Susan, I don't scold you : I never 
speak cross to you ; if you are maid of all-work, I am clerk 
of alKwork ; — and you know, time out of mind, the maids 
and clerks — hey ! 

Susan, Leave me alone, Mr. Wormwood, I want no 
more of your sweet words, than I do of master's sour ones ; 
I'm sure, if all the clerks are like you, the maids are fools 
to listen to them. 

Worm, Ha I ha ! you think I don't understand this 
pride, but I do though. You think, your cousin Charles is 
coming from London ; poor, silly girl, why, he has forgot- 
ten you long ago ; do you think he would remain faithful to 
a poor country girl in London ; there's comfort, you Mrs. 
Susan, ha ! ha ! [Gcfesinto the house, and sits at desk. 

Susan. What a wicked little man that is ! his mind and 
temper are as ugly as his body ! But, if it should be true, 
that, amid London pleasures, Charles should have forgotten 
me, 1 shall, indeed, be unhappy. 

Cap, {From the house.) Susan I Susan! 

Worm. There, you're called, you're called ! 

Susan, Well, do you think I hav'n't ears ? (Charles 
speaks without.) Why, bless me ! that's Charles voice as 
I'm ahve. 

Worm, Yes, yes ; I see you have ears / 

Enter Charles, l. 

Susan. It is him. O ! Charles, how do you do ? 
Chas. Quite well ; and my cousin, Susan, as well and 
as pretty as ever — oh ? 
Susan, Oh I I'm so glad to see you, you don't know. 
Warm, You forget, Susan, that master called you. 



LOTIERY TICKET. 13 

Susan, Ill-natured oaf. — But I'll be back in a minute, 
Charles. (^Aside.) Yes, he is handsomer than ever, I do 
declare. [Exit, r. 

Chas, What a pity it is, my cousin is so poor, and that 
I*m too poor to marry a woman without a penny ; — since, . 
in spite of all my savings from my wages, I could not set 
up house-keeping, without my wife would put some sticks 
in the fire, to make the pot boil. — No, no. (Susan, it would 
be injustice to make you my wife, at present;) however, 
I've done with London, and am determined once more to 
sit down in my native place ; I love to look at the house in 
which I was born ; the church in which I was christened ; 
the school in which I was flogged ; to meet my old play- 
mates; but, most of all, ray pretty playmate Susan, — ah! 
here she is. 

Enter Susan, /rom house, r. 

Susan. There, now, I've a little leisure, so now for a 
talk ; for it always does make me so happy to see you. 

Wor7n, (Aside.) Oh, I know it was this cursed valet de 
chambre. 

Chas. It cannot give you more pleasure to see me, than 
it does me to see you. 

Susan. Well, that's kind, — and do you know, Charles, 
since you went to London last — I've been thinking, I 
should like to go to London too. 

Chas. To London ! -what for ? 

Susan, Why, to better my condition ; to get to be a maid 
of some fine lady, in some great family. 

Chas. Maid, indeed ! pshaw ! Susan, you don't know 
what you ask. 

Susan, Oh ! but I do, though. 

Chas. No, no, why, you don't. You'd be ruin'd in 
London. 

Susan. Why, you hav'n't been ruined. 

Chas. Oh !— I ! — that's a different thing. 

Susan. Ah ! I see how it is, you don't wish me to go to 
London, for fear that I should hear of your goings on. 

Worm. Ha ! ha ! they are going to quarrel ; that is good ! 
very good ! I like that. 

Chas. Nay, nay, Susan ; to convince you to the contrary, 
I have left London altogether. 



14 LOTTERY TICKET 

Susan. Left London ? what, left my lord's service ? 

C?ias, Yes, and I am determined to settle in my native 
village. 

Susan, Settle here! Oh dear how happy I am. 

Worm. The devil 1— they are making it up again, loving 
and tender. I must interfere. 

Chas. Yep, we shall be so happy ! 

Susan. O, quite ; — only you must promise me, not to 
flirt with the girls, nor to dance with Sally or Mary, at our 
village dance. 

Chas. No, no, with none but you- 

Worm. (Coming forward.) Susan, Susan, you're idling 
your time here, and I'll tell my master, upon my word, I 
will. 

Susan. I wish, Wormwood, you'd mind^ycur own affairs, 
and not be meddling with other people's ; you're always 
poking your nose in the way. 

Char. Let him take care he don't poke it where it will 
be well pulled. 

Worm. You'd better pull it ; I should like to see you do 
it; I'd soon indict you for assault and battery. (Going up 
to him.) Pull it, if you dare. 

Susan. Well, well, Charles, T must begone — but remem- 
ber your promise, not to dance with any one else but me. 

Chas, Agreed. [Exit Susan, in house^ r. 

Worm, So, Mr. Charles, you have come back among 
us — what, I suppose you've been turned away ? 

Chas. No, I hav'n't been turned away. 

Worm. Obliged to quit London, I suppose? 

Chas. No, I wasn't obliged to quit London, neither. 

Worm. What V I suppose your master goes on in the 
same old way, plaguing ministers for places, and your lady 
scribbling nonsensical romances. 

Chas, And you, Mr. Wormwood, you go rubbing your 
hands with joy when other people quarrel, and scratching 
your ear with vexation, when they agree, and your master 
still the same? — avaricious, arrogant, and litigious — oh ? 

Worm. Yes ; still the same. 

Chas, (To himself,) Well, what shall I do with my sa- 
vings, if I could find some good speculation. 



LOTTERY TICKET. 15 

Worm, speculation, did you «ay? why didn't you buy a 
lottery ticket. 

Chas. A lottery ticket : — gad ! I wish I had, for it strikes 
me I'm in luck's ^^ay now. I'll have one, directly. 

Worm. You are too late, there were only certain num- 
bers sent down to Mr. Capias, as agent, and they were 
snapped up in a minute ; we've had quite a little exchanj^e 
here, and they actually sold at a premium. — There's Mr. 
Last, the shoe-maker, sold his last to buy one. Tankard, at 
the public-house, bought oae with his brewer's money. Mr. 
Shortsight, the overseer, it is said, paid for his out of the 
poor's monev ; and they do say, that the old maid, Mrs. 
Frumpy. (^Whispers.) — and so got her lottery ticket, 

Chas. Well, but can't I ^et one : will no one sell me 
theirs j I'm sure I should have luck, and would give a good 
premium to get one. 

Worm. No, no ; you can't get one ; to be sure there's 
Susan ; Susan, she's got one ; she might be tempted to sell 
it, she's so poor. 

Chas, No ; let poor Susan have a chance. 

Worm. Well, as you please ; I have a chance too, so has 
Mr. Capias, so has Mrs. Corset, our neighbour. 

Chas, Ah, that puts me in mind I have a little business 
with her, so, tell Susan I'll be back in a few minutes. 

[Exit in Mrs. Corset's, l. 

Worm, Business with Mrs. Corset I — an intrigue, no 
doubt. Susan shall know of this — Hist! hist I Susan J 
Susan ! 

Enter Susan, /ro»i house^ r. 

Susan. Well, what now, Mr. Wormwood, you're always 
plauging me. 

Worm. Plauging you? no, no, I don't wish to plague; 
only I thought you — you might wish to see Mr. Charles, 
paying a visit to Mrs. Corset — look ! look ! 

Susan. Eh I what? Charles with Mi s. Corset? {Looking 
in at the window.) So he is, I declare ; what business can 
he have there ? 

Worm. O, 'tis not business takes him there, only a little 
harmless flirtation ! 

Susan, A flirtation—with Mrs. Corset ? 



16 



LOTTERY TICKET. 



Worm. To be sure, why not, he's a valet, she's a milliner. 
There, you see he goes into her little back-parlour. 

Susan, O, Charles, Charles, this is cruel, under my very 
eyes, after saying kind things to me. [(drying. 

Worm, Didn't I tell you ; you had better listen to me. 

Susan, To you, indeed ! 

Worm, Yes ; I wouldn't make love to Mrs. Corset ; I 
wouldn't make you jealous ! 

Enter Capias, /rom house^ r» 

Cap, Well, any news of Dobbin ; any news of the lottery. 
Run, Susan, run, and see if you can see him on the road. 

Sjisan, (Still looking in the window.) Yes, sir; I'll go di- 
rectly. 

Cap, Well, why don't you go, what do you stand there 
for? 

Susan. Nothing ; only Charles, my cousin Charles — 

Cap, Well, what of your cousin Charles ? 

Susan. Why, he is shut up in the little parlour, behind 
the shop, with Mrs. Corset! 

Cap. Ho ! what ! Charles shut up with Mrs. Corset ? 

W^orm, (Aside.) Ha ! ha I both jealous ! how pleasant 
to be sure ! 

Susan. Upon my word, I don't like it ; he is coming out 
at last. — Lord, how polite he is ! 

Enter ChakleSj from Mrs. Corset's, with a cap, and runs 

off, L. 

Cap. I must issue a writ of inquiry ; more for a rule to 
show cause, and try an ejectment ! 

Susan, There, he beckons to me, — he holds up a hand- 
kerchief; — oh, he has only been there to buy it for me ; — 
I'll come. Yes, sir ; I'll see after Dobbin, directly. 

[Exit, L. 

Cap. An impertinent interloper ! I'll have him struck off 
the rolls. 

Worm, Ah ! he has not been to London for nothing, de- 
pend upon it. 

Cap, But I'm impatient for the arrival of the list of 
prizts * perhaps one has fallen to me. 



LOTTERY TICKET. 



17 



Worm, Perhaps one to me. 

Cap, To you, indeed. 

Worrn. Well, no matter, prize or no prize ; I shall have 
my laugh at the losers. How pleasant it will be, to see 
their long faces. I quite long to have the list, and give the 
answers, blank ! blank ! blank ! oh, yes ! they'll all have 
blank looks I how pleasant I ha ! ha ! 

Enter Susan, with a letter, l. 

Susan, Old Dobbin has returned, and here is the letter. 

Cap. O, give me directly , and — and leave us. 

Susan. Yes, sir ; (Aside.) I'll go and try on Charles* new 
present. [Exit, in house^ r. 

Cap» Yes, there it is ; head clerk's at Hazards, own hand, 
that contains all the prizes. 

Worm, The prizes ? open it, directly, Mr. Capias, let us 
see them. 

Cap. {Trying; to open the letter.) 'Tis very kind of my 
friend. Hazard's head clerk. 

Worm, Why, vrhat's the matter ; how your hand trem- 
bles. 

Car. Trembles ? not at all, thank the gods ; I am a 
philosopher, prepared for every turn of Fortune's wheel. 
Oh ! upon my soul your right, 'tis very odd, but I cannot 
open the letier ! 

Worm. {Taking the letter.) Give it me ; what a pity, 
that a philosopher, prepared for every turn of Fortune^s 
wheel, should be taken v/ith a nervous fit, just at the crisis 
of his fate. 

Cap. Why your hand trembles too ! 

Worm. Oh, no I 'tis only that Mr. Hazard's clerk seems 
to seal his letters with one of Rraman's locks; there, it is 
upen at last. 

Cap, {Taking the letter^ and attempting to read.) Let us 
see, 'tis very odd; the letters dance up and down; my spec- 
tacles won't let me read. 

Worm. Well thenjlet me read ; I can read without spec- 
t-acles. 

Cap. Well, well, read away. 
Worm, Number, 2, 4, 4, 9. 



18 



LOTTERY TICKET. 



Cap. 2, 4, 4, 9 ; My number, as I'm alive — well ? 

Worm, A blank ! ha I ha I ha ! 

Cap, A blank? my prize a blank? 

Worm, Yes, and mine also. 

Cap, What an unfortunate dog I am ! 

Worm. No, no ; not so very unfortuiiate, for look, the very 
next number, 2, 4, 5 , 0, is a prize of £5000. 

Cap Hem ! that's a comfort, truly, a miss is as good as 
a mile. 

Worm, 2, 4, 5, 0. Let me see, who bought that number 
— bless me I where's my list; I put down every body's 
name against the number. 

Caj), What does it signify, since it isn't mine ? 

Worm, Where the devil is my list, I cannot find it. Ha ! 
here it is, I was not deceived. * 

Cap. Well, where is it ? who has got the prize? 

Worm, Susan I 

Cap, JMy maid of all-work ? 

Worm, Yes, even she ! 

Cap, My maid of all-work with £5000 ? zounds ! she'll 
never clean a kitchen poker again. An idea strikes me, a 
luminous thought. 

Worm, What? 

Cap. Don't say a word to any one, that we know the 
numbers. 

Worm, Why ? 

Cap. The post won't be in the village these two hours. 

Worm, And you would sell your ticket, eh ? 

Cap, O, fie, no ; honour and conscience forbid such a 
thing. 

Worm^ O, we can dispense with the attendance of 
honour and conscience in an attorney's office, sometimes. 

Cap. Susan is yet ignorant of her good fortune. 

Worm. Well? 

Cap. Well, my dear Wormwood, don't tell her yet.; 

Worm. Why ? 

Cap. O, you shall know in time. (Noise without of break- 
ing of china.) What's that ? 

Worm, It is your maid of all-work ; Miss Susan has 
broken a teapot, O, here she comes with the spout. 

Cap, My maid, — she shall be my mistress. 



LOTTERY TICKET. 19 

Enter Susan, with a spout of a teapot, crying. 

Susan, O, dear I O, dear! I've broken the teapot, but 
indeed, it was no fault of mine ; I was only cleaning — took 
hold of the spout, and down it went. 
Cap. My best china teapot ? 
Worrn^ {Aside.) Stafiordshirc-ware ! 
Susan. O, dear ? sir, don't scold. 

Cap. Awkward puss ! {Restraining himself.) But never 
mind, my poor Susan' dry }Our eyes ; accidents will happen 
in the best of families. 

Susan. {Aside.) Bless me! he isn't aLgry at all! 
Cap, Wormwood, you may take a walk, you understand 
me. 

Worm. O, yes : Miss Susan, I wish you a good morning. 
Miss Susan. {Aside.) I'll interrupt his billing andccoing. 

[Exit^ in house, r. 
Susan. Mrs. Susan ! he is always quizzing me. (Cafias 
looks tenderly at her.) How master looks at me. 
Cap. Susan ! 
»S'MSfl7i. Sir! 

Cap, Come nearer. [Advances two or three steps. 

ISusan. There sir, will that do ? 
Cap. Susan, my dear, you broke my teapot, Susan. 
Susan. Yes, sir. 

Cap, Well my dear, never mind, a teapot is nothing, 
vhere a man feels towards you. 
Susan. Sir ! 

Cap. Yes, I dare say you are surprised. Susan, I have 
often scolded you — scolded you J mean. 
Susan. Yes, sir, 1 know you have. 
Cap. Ah ! Susan, it was only to cooceal my passion. 
Susan. Bless me i why, I thought it was to show it. 
Cap* Ah 1 Susan, you don't understand these things. 
{Aside,) 1 had better be quick about it, and astonish her at 
once. 

Susan. {Aside.) What can master mean : he is making 
. fan of me, surely. 

I [Wormwood appears at the window, and crosses to Mrs. 
Corset's window. 
Cap, She does not know her good fortune -, so I must 



20 LOTTERY TICKET. 

draw my pleadings, and file my declaration without delay* 
— Ah I Susan. 

Susav.lSir ? 

Cap. Do you know, .Susan, you are a very pretty girl ; 
and I have been thinkingr it's a great shame that those lit- 
tle delicate hands should scour kitchen pots, and scrub par- 
lour floors. 

Susan, Dear, sir, but what can I do ? Fm but a maid of 
all-work in the country ; and my cousin, Charles^ says 1 
should be ruined, if I tried to better oy condition, in 
London. 

Cap* O, never mind your cousin Charles. Susan, I've 
taken a fancy to you. 

Susan, You, sir ! what, to poor Susan? 

Cap, Hem ! {Aside.) Poor Susan! Yes, Susan, a prodi- 
gious fancy, ji 

Susa7u Law, sir ! you are mocking me, surely. I j 

Cap, No, I an't ; I mock nobody — 'tis libellous. ■ ^ 

[During this conversation^ Wormwood, has beckoned, Mrs. 
Corset, out of her shop ; whispers in her ear ; she enters 
with a bandbox in her hand, 

Mrs, Cor, {To Wormwood.) O, I'll not believe it. 

Worm, Very, well ; see, hear, and judge for yourself. 
[Enters house, R. and watches from window. 

Cap, You seem surprised, but I'll astonish you presently. 

Susan, No, will you though. — But ah ! sir, you had bet- 
ter keep all these fine sayings for Mrs. Corset. 

Cap, Mrs. Corset, nonsense ! 'twar mere politeness, and, 
as a near neighbour. I may now and then have said a few 
gallant things to her; may have whispered a little soft 
nonsense in her too credulous ear, as the poets say ; but, 
bless you, I mean nothing by it, merely a fevj technicalities, 
which, in love, as in law, mean nothing. Besides, Susan, 
she was brought up in London ; — educated in Bond-Street. 
Heaven^knows, what she may have learnt there ; — nothing, 
good, I'll be bound 7} 

Susan. Nay, don't say any thing very bad about her, for 
here is Mrs, Corset. 

Cap, The devil i 



LOTTERY TICKET. 



21 



Mrs. Cor, (Coming down front.) Upon my word, Mr. 
Capias. 

Cap. O, Mrs. Corset enchanting to see you ; bless me, 
how you look ; what a colour I What, going to carry 
this box ? contains some mark of your taste, I dare say, 
— somebody in a hurry for this cap — well, I won't detain 
you. 

Mrs. Cor. It is very, Mr. Capias — very well, indeed. 

Cap, I'm very glad to hear it ; I'm quite the same. 

Mrs. Core To deceive, to jilt me ; but that's no matter ; 
make love to your servant, do ; she's a fine miss for you ; 
raise your maid of all-work, from the kitchen to the par- 
lour, and become the lausfhing-stock of the village I 

Cap. Nay; now, Mrs. Corset, you are wrong; Susan is 
a good and virtuous girl, and I've a great value for her. 

Mrs. Cor, A servant, indeed a pretty thing! but you are 
a deceiver, a traitor. 

Worrn, Very well ; {Aside,) Mrs. Corset, at him again. 

Mrs. Cor, I'll be revenged. — But no ; I'll let you know 
thai I despise you, and your minion, too much. 

Susan. Minion ! ma'am ? I'm sure I'm as good as a 
stay- maker I 

Worm, {Aside.) Ha !^ ha I this is as it should be, all 
quarreling — how pleasant ! 

Cap. So you are, Susan, as good as any stay-maker in 
the world ; and so, ma'am, as long stays are out of fashion, 
we won't detain you, ma'am. That's a hit I 

Mrs, Cor. Oh I don't think I care about it, make her 
your wife as soon as possible, and heaven grant she may 
lead you such a life as you deserve. [Exit^ r. 

Cap. What a malicious devil that is I but never mind 
her. Susan I love you — yes. 

Susan. Love me ! ay, sir ; but my godmother always 
told me, never to listen to a gentleman's love, unless he talked 
about marriage. 

Cap. Well, and I talk of marriage ; there's my hand, and 
that's a legal tender. 

Susan. Your hand. (Ohl my cousin CuatHuES.) But, will 
you really marry me ? 

Cap, Oh ! certainly, too rirtuous to think of anything 



22 LOTTERY TICKET. 

else but marriage. I have a long time stifled my passion, 
and delayed proceedmgs in this cause: but now Hymen, 
like a sheriff's officer, makes me pay my debt of love, and 
1 render myself your slave ! 

Susan, What, shall I realiy be a lawyer's lady ? 

Cap, YcF, my girl ; you shall be the better half of a 
limb-of-law. 

Susan, Hem ! Instead of a maid of all-work I 

Cap, You'll be your own mistress ; and to prove my 
truth, we will immediately make a mutual settlement. 

Susan. Oh, I have got a settlement in this parish already. 

Cap, Ay, but I mean a marriage settlement, whereby, 
we, the aforesaid Nicholas Capias, and Susan Wheatley, 
do settle, jointly, and severally, all, and every of the estates, 
moneys, and properties, founded, landed, and tenanted, now 
possessed of, or hereafter to be possessed, upon each other, 
and their heirs, for ever. 

Worm, (^Coming forward,) Here 1 am, sir. 

Cap, The devil you are ! and who wanted you. M 
Wormwood ? 

Worm, Didn't I hear you talk of a marriage settlement? 
so here I am, quite ready, pen, ink, and parchment : come, 
come, there is no use of conriealing it from me ; Mr. 
Capias is in love with you. 

Susan, He has just declared himself. 

Worm. Quite natural ; and he would marry you — quite 
natural, again ; and I suppose, to prove his love and good 
faith, he wishes you both, to sign a mutual marriage settle- 
ment ? 

Cap, {Aside.) He has heard all! a corkscrew ! 

Susan, Yes, Mr. Wormwood, you have hit it exactly. 
I Cap, Well, what harm is there, in all that? 

Worm, Oh, none at all, none at all ; one must love at all 
ages, and all ranks, young and old, rich and poor. — Oh ! I 
am touched to the quick at your happiness, and delighted at 
the idea of drawing of the deeds, by which, you will give 
each other, all your wealth. Oh, you'll be a happy couple. 

Susan, Oh, but I have nothing to give. 

Worm, I beg your pardon. 

Cap, {Aside^to Wormwood.) Silence! 

W^orm* Oh, on my honour and conscience I 



LOTTKEY TICKET. 23 

Cap, (Aside.) The rascal ! the scoundrel ! he's going to 
tell. 

Worm, Imprimis. Nicholas Capias, being seized, and 
possessed of certain lands and tenements, doth hereby 
agree to settle the same, and funds, upon Susan Wheatley, 
being seized and possessed of £SO00. 

Cap. Ob, the Richard the Third ! 

Susan, The sum of oC5000 ; where should I seize it? 

Worm. 'Tis true though ; wasn't your lottery ticket. No. 
2, 4, 5, ? ^ 

Susan. Two, four, five, ought ; yes, that was the num- 
ber, sure enough ; I recollect it now. 

Worm. Well, that very number has drawn a prize of 
JC5000, So you may see, you are not so bad a match for 
Mr. Capias, and he'll make you a widow, sooner than 
Charles. [Retires up. 

Susan. Well, who'd have thought it. 

Cap, Well, my dear Susan, what matters it to me, 
whether you bring me a fortune or not; my love for yon, 
would have been just the same if you had not six and eight- 
pence; I should have prefered you to everybody. 

Susan, You are very good, sir ; for you must take me 
without any thing, or not take me at all. 

Cap, Eh! — how — what do you mean? 

Susan, Only, that I've not got the lottery ticket. 

Cap, Eh ! what — have you lost it ? Oh, that's no matter, 
we'll stop the payment. 

Susarit O no ; it is not lost. 

Cap. Why, what have you done with it, then ? 

Susan. Why, you all plagued me to pay Mrs. Corset, 
and I had no money, so I gave her my lottery ticket, and 
she gave me a receipt for her bill ; so the prize is hers. 

Worm. {Coming down^ r. laughing,) Oh I oh I oh I well, 
what a good one. 

Cap. Eh ! what, do you dare to laugh ? 

Worm, Who can help it ; but I condole with you, at the 
same time, upon my soul I do ; but I must laugh ; ha ! 
ha ! ha ! 

Susan, I'm sure it's no laughing matter. 

Worm, Oh, you have nothing to care for ; Mr. Capias 
loves you for yourself; he didn't love you for your money 
not he ; you may be Mrs. Capias. 

Cap, I love her ; I love any body imprudent enough to 
throw away &ve thousand pounds —not I, indeed. Go to 



. LOTTERY TICKET. 

your .o,k.yourn«lefool ; f^if/.^^'rofr^ '"'^ 
LssageIsentyouYtJ.y°"dam;\,^,, as a misfortune. 

Susan. Nay, sir ; I ^2, III a selfish husband ; and I 
^hich would save me from such a ^^ ^^^^^^ 

deserve mortification, for naving 5 [jj^jit, t. 

and here she comes, just m time. 

Enter Mrs. Corset, R. 

Cap. (P»-efen«i«?,''f-''^'""f,i^/;tUn'tUk6aChristian; 
„ay;C.Corset,.don^tbea^m^^^^^^^ ^^^^p, Y„„ 
aU men, have their Uttlefaihngs, ^^^ ^^^ 

flew in a P-^-^^^.^ef was done, th'at was alll 
Sr J'lHTthes-en.;h^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 

Worm. Come, c"'"?'™^ \„d that, I'm sure, neither ot 
-input all l^hings to rights^^^^^^^^^^ good fortune, will make 
you want ; besides, i'j.>=. 
the match mote equal. 

bill, has come up a prize of £50UU. 

SrwS't'r^rS -5. 0. has come up a prize of 

^-P- ;5f«^'Sh^ X. ctiroh! Mr. Woimwood. sup-, 
pofL?Vst^l>aint,I^anscarce^-^^^^^ 



LOTTERY TICKET. 25 

Worm. Oh, how interesting ! an amiable, charming, and 
beautiful female of thirty five, overcome by the excess of 
her joy ! 

Cap, Come, come, my dear Mrs. Corset ; calm these 
transports of pleasure ; there, there, repose upon me — your 
faithful Capias : though I don't wonder at your being trans- 
ported ! 

Mrs, Cor, I deserve to be hanged, as well as transported ; 
fool, idiot, that I was. 

Worm, Ah ! joy has turned her brain ! 

Mrs, Cor, Joy ! 'tis anger ! rage ! 

[Throws Wormwood, r. 

Cap» Rage, what do you mean, my dear Mrs. Corset ? 

Mrs, Cor, Why, that I have sold my ticket to Susan's 
cousin, Charles. 

Cap. Sold it ! 

Worm, Ha ! ha ! ha ! better and better ; you had better 
marry Charles! [To Capias, 

Cap, Good ? I think it damn'd bad. 

Mrs, Cor, He offered me double what I gave for it. 

Cap, Ay ; this comes of your avarice, Mrs. Corset, if you 
had been contented with your ticket, you would have had 
£5000: — I marry her, fool enough to give away £5000 — 
a darned old fool ; — This is food for philosophical reflec- 
tions 3 madam, I am your most obedient, humble servant. 

[Exit^ L. 

Worm, Ha ! ha ! ha ! I never had a more pleasant day 
in all my life, 

Mrs, Cor. I could scratch my eyes out with vexation ! 

Worm, No, don't do |that, you can make a better use 
of them ; as you are a milliner, and have set one cap at 
Mr. Capias, set another at Mr. Charles ; he will make a 
better match for you than Mr. Capias. 

Mrs, Cor. O fie I a servant I 

Worm, Nay, a steward. 

Mrs, Cor, Ah, a steward, that makes a great difference 
to be sure. 

Worm. Ay, a great difference, to be sure. (Aside,) If 
I could but.marry them, Susan might, perhaps, think of me. 

Mrs, Cor, Why certainly, when Charles was here last 
year, he was very particular ;— and this morning — 

Worm. He was rather particular again ; I thought so, 
when I and Susan saw him in your little back parlour. 

Mrs, Cor, And there was a kind of a timid delicacy in 



26 LOTTERY TICKET, 

his address, which is very pleasing to our sex ! 

Worm, Oh, he is a nice young man, and here he comes. 
Mrs. Cor. Oh I I declare, I am quite in a flurry. 
Enter Charles, l. 

Chas, Ah! Mrs. Corset, quite delighted to see you, 
again. 

Mrs, Cor, Your servant, Mr. Charles, the pleasure is 
mutual. {Aside,) Upon my word, Mr. Wormwood, he is a 
nice young man. 

Worm, Yes ; five thousand times nicer than he was this 
morning ! 

Mrs, Cor, Quite a noble air — I declare, really, Mr. 
Charles, you improve GYGty visit ! 

Chas. Ma'am? 

Mrs, Cor, Yes ; I was just saying to Mr. Wormwood, 
that you were too agreeable. 

Worm, Yes ; too agreeable ! 

Chas, (Aside,) What the devil are they driving at. 

Worm» Nay, nay, why stand, shilly, shally, why not to 
the point at once ; you are made for each other ; love each 
other ; you have, both, equal experience in the world, and 
will make your fortunes together. 

Mrs* Cor, Really, Mr.Wormwood, you are so lively, and 
draw such conclusions. 

Worm. Yes, I am very lively, and love odd conclusions ; 
but you know it's true. 

Chas. Eh!— I pretend to Mrs. Corset? {Aside.) She 
has a snug shop, a neat back parlour, and a great deal of 
business : — {Aloud.) Is it possible that my humble 
merits 

Worm. O yes, your humble merits, added to ;C5000, 
which Mrs. Corset has just heard you possess. 

Chas, What do you mean ? 

Worm, Why, the lottery ticket you have bought of her, 
has just come up u, prize I 

Chas, A prize ? good heavens ! 

Worm, Why, you seem troubled ; have you sold it too? 
This lottery ticket seems to have travelled round the 
world. 

Chas, No, no, here it is, safe and sound, I've got it stiU I 

Worm. Ah ! so mucli the worse. 

Chas, 2, 4, 5, 0. What happiness I 



LOTTIRT TICKET. 27 

Worm. Yes, he has got it, sure enough ; he hasn't sold 
it I 

Chds. Gads I I'll marry ri^ht away, and the lawyer will 
draw up the writings iinmediatelr — here, Mr Capias, I'll 
surprize them all* [Exit, in Capias' house^ R. 

Mrs, Cor, O, dear, Mr. Wormwood, really, it has got, got 
me in such a hurry, scurry, that I must retire into my little 
back-parlour, to recover myself and prepare my spirits for 
the trying occasion. 

Worm. Oh, you'll find the spirits already prepared in the 
back-parlour ; do you think I don't know your comer-cub- 
board ? 
Mrs, Cor, Out upon you, Mr. Impertinence I 

[ Exit, in shop, L. 

Worm, Ha ! ha ! ha ! what puppets they are, I am the 
showman; I pull the strings, and away they go. Now, 
I think, I stand a fair chance of making Susan miserable ; 
and the very thought delights me ; people have no business 
to be happy. 

Enter Capias, l. 

Cap, Nothing like philosophy, I have conned over my 
grief. 

Worm, You are in better spirits. 

Cap, Yes, I am belter; J have suffered a recovery, and 
make up mv mind 

Worm, To what? 

Cap, To marry the milliner; to make a rib of the stay- 
maker ; to join issue and lace together by the holy tie of 
matrimony. 

Worm, Hem ! you should have determined before; you 
are too late ; Mr. Charles, is before-hand with you. 

Cap, Charles ? 

Worm. Yes, and he's just now gone in search for you, 
to draw up marriage articles between him and Mrs. Corset. 

Cap. He marry Mrs. Corset? He wasn't in her back- 
parlour this morning for nothing : I'm nonsuited, what 
shall I do ? 

Worm. Why, draw up the contract, and charge him for 
it; secure a client, if you can't a wife. 

Cap, I will, Wormwood; you're an eye to business, but 
I've lost Mrs. Corset, what shcill I do ? 

Worm. Imitate my philosophy; nature always suit the 
back to the burthen. 



28 LOTTERY TICKET. 

Cap, Does she ! then, I think, you may reckon on a 
wafjon-load of misfortunes. [Exit, in house, r. 

Worm, Hem ! that's personal; but I've had my revenue ; 
^ — I know he hankers after the milliner ; so I've made him 
miserable. 

Enter Susan, l. 

Susan, Oh, Mr. Wormwood, have you seen my cousin 
Charles ? 

Worm, Yes, he has just now parted from me, as happy 
as possible. 

Susan, Happy ? 

Worm. Yes, he bought your ticket of Mrs. Corset, and 
is the real posessor of the £5000 prize. 

Susan, How I rejoice! how I lon^ to congratulate him I 

Wortn, Well, wait a few minutes, and you may cob- 
gratulate him, on two subjects at once, and that will be 
economical; — a fortune, and a wife. 

Susan, A wife ? 

Worm. Yes, he's going to be married to Mrs, Corset, 
and is at this moment giving his directions to Mr. Capias, 
about the marriage settlement; and you know, nobody 
knows about marriage setilements like Mr. Capias ! 

Susan, To Mrs. Corset ? O, cruel and unkind Charles ; 
after all your vows to me. 

Worm, Ay, but you know you forgot him for Mr. 
Capias. 

Susan. So I did, but he couldn't love me much, to hurry 
into a match with Mrs. Corset ; I'll go and reproach him 
— no I won't, he shan't triumpK over me; and to show my 
indifference, I'll bring the villagers to dance at his wedding. 

Worm. Ha ! ha ! poor Susan I I pity her, really, but 
I*m glad she's disappointed. Oh, here comes Charles. 

Enter Charles, /rom Capias' house, R. 

Worm, Well, are the marriage articles ready ? 

Chas. Mr. Capias is writing them out; I desired him to 
leave blanlis for the names. 

Worm. Ay," he won't forget the Mflfi^s, depend upon it; 
he has had enough of them. 

Chas, And how do you think the blanks will ba filled up? 

Worm. Why, Christiana Corset. 

Chas, No, no, no, by Susan Wheatley ; my dear cousin 
Susan. 



LOTTERY TICKET. 29 

Worm* (Aside.) The devil ! this will make them happy, 
and spoil all. 

Chas» What say you to that, Mr. Wormwood ? 

Worm, Why, I said it would be all very well, if Susan, 
hadn't already listened to the overtures of her master, Mr. 
Capias. 

Chas. Mr. Capias ! impossible ! 

Worm. I was present when the offer was made and ac- 
cepted, and the settlements — yes, he offered to settle all 
he had in the world upon her. 

Chas. And she agreed to it ? 

Worm. Yes. 

Chas. The traitoress! but I'll be even with her — I'll 
marry Mrs, Corset, and break her heart ! 

Worm. O, never fear, you won't break her heart. 

Chas. But I will though. Mrs. Corset! my dear Mrs. 
Corset! [Goes into Mrs. Corset's, l. 

Worm, Ha ! ha ! ha ! I've had as pretty a morning's 
sport as any one could wish ! 

Enter Capias, from houses with papers. 

Chas, Mrs. Corset, I say I 

Cap. Where's Charles? 

Worm, There, calling out your quondam mistress, to fill 
up the blanks with her Christian name. 

Chas, (Leading in Mrs. Corset.) Come, Mrs. Corset, 
and, by your truth, shame the perfidy of others. 

Mrs, Cor, (Aside.) Mr. Capias here ; I declare I can 
hardly stand. 

Enter Susan, and villagers, 

Susan. There, neighbours, pay your congratulations to 
the bridegroom ! 

Villagers. Charles, for ever I 

Chas. Nay, my friends, it is Mr. Nicholas Capias, the 
lawyer, who is the bridegroom. 

Villagers, Old Nick, for ever ! 

Cap, 1 — I am no bridegroom ; I am not a going to be 
married, I was, but 

Chas, But what, sir ? d ou mean to deceive my cousin 
Susan, sir ? if so, sir, I'd nave you know, that though her 
treachery and infidelity, msLj rob me of her for a wife, that 



30 LOTTERY TICKET. 

it shall not prevent me from being her defender. — Sir, I 
I insist on your marrying Susan directly. 

Cap, I marry Susan ? — upon my soul, I'm very much 
obliged to you, but I'd rather not ! 

Susan. And I — I wouldn't marry Mr. Capias, if be 
were worth his weight in gold I 

Worm. (Aside.) Oh I the devil ! what's to be done now^ 

Cap. A crop-bill — let me put in my answer ; I wouldn't 
marry Susan ; I never thought of marrying any body but 
Mrs. Corset. I 

Chas, Why, Wormwood told me you were engaged to 
Susan, 

Cap. And he told me, you were engaged to Mis. Corset. 

Susan. And the little mischief-maker told me the same. 

Worm, Oh, the devil ! they will all be happy in spite of 
me. 

Chas. What did you mean ? 

Cap, Ay, do you mean to justify. 

Worm, I spoke the truth. 

Susan, So he does, and he shall have no peace for a month 
to come. 

Cap, Why, you son of a corkscrew ! with a tongue as 
treacherous as your body! you deserve to hdve your life 
and misdeeds published 

Chas, With wood cuts I by alibis acquaintance I 

Cap, And etchings by Tuthill ; what have you to say? 

Worm. Say ; why, marry and be miserable as you can I 

Chas. My Susan ! 

Susan, My Charles ! [They Embrace, 

Cap, My Corset ! 

Mrs. Cor. My Capias ! [They embrace. 

Cap, Then we join issue, the trial's ended, and we wait 
for your verdict to make up 

Worm, As miserable as I wish them ! 

DISPOSITION OF THE CHARACTERS AT THE 
FALL OF THE CURTAIN. 

R. L. 

Worm. Capias. Mrs. Corset. Charlfs. Susan. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




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